Just us against the world

Feel like I’m drifting miles apart
From everyone I love or know
Safe in the confort of my mind
With shadows passing evermore
I lift my head and sense
Anxieties coming up ahead
And I want to go home
The place where I can be my own
Away from everything but never
From myself
The only one I could ever lie to
Nothing matters but the moment
That passes
Much as my life when I put my head
On your shoulder
A momentary comfort
A quiet place
An embrace I won’t remember
The hurt I cause deep inside my skin
Hoping, wanting, lusting
That desire of being held
Or understood
Or just simply loved
Then you leave, please, just leave
I’m done, I’m fine
Until I’m ashes
And you’re all just a distant memory
It’s just me against the world
Alone

One year

It has been a year, my dear,
Since I have heard your name
A year in which I tried to forget
Every scar and every remnant
Of happy days and loss of love
Days when I scavenged in my soul
For the last bits of trust and faith
In humanity or in myself
You broke promises unspoken
You broke me beyond repair
Life has seem so very foreign
It feels unfinished
Since your tether was severed
I have scorched eternity
Until I can finally claim myself
As my own

A twist of hope

I’ve never felt at home
In mother’s soothing embrace
The trusting gaze of my father
Never felt I belonged in the houses
That changed far too often
Or the lies men told to bed me
Adrift following a long lost feeling
Of a forgotten memory
Where I’m safe and loved
Cuddled in warm blankets
Everything is fine
There’s tea on the table
And life is not soon ending
I want to go home

R@pe play

Not a soul protected me
Mother pulled her hand
Father went silent
Don’t let them know
Don’t make a sound
Bury it deep
Take it deeper
Gag on it till you choke
That’s what good girls do
Arch your back
Let me in
Screams mean nothing
Rinse and repeat
Broken and bound
Searching for the same
Over and over
Can’t think straight
Can let you in
Don’t make me feel
I’ll drift away

Down below

Moulded in fire and loss
You think I’m perfect
Yet I see the cracks
No light shines down below
In the pit of despair
That’s been my cursed life
Use and abuse me
That’s my only request
For I might feel a resemblance
Of warmth and desire
To keep me going
For another hour
Another minute
Or another life
Until we’re both done
Happy in our demise

Pain management

Burn it all, burn it to the ground
Till the ashes settle on your wants
Your wishes and your hopes
Let the dust cover your memories
Of happy days, trust and love
Let it be clear there’s no escape
If you need to hurt less
Build up your walls
Fortify your soul
Let no one near
For you have fought and lost
Everything you held dear
And you are all alone
Not a soul to hold you gently
Whispering „I love you, dearest,
You’re going to be just fine”
You’re gone and I have to burn it all

I have lived a hundred lives

… or so it feels sometimes. And yet, I’m none the wiser. I was a fool for thinking some time ago that I’ve built my walls and I’m protected from any sort of pain. I was wrong on every account.

Apparently I still feel. I still bruise and bleed. It just got easier to pull myself together again. So tonight I’m walking the same old path of love and loss that I know so well. And although I truly believe that hope is a bitch, she slithers her tail into my tomorrow. It is just a moment, it shall pass. Thank the laws of physics that we are finite.

Intro

It’s been awhile. In seara asta, un bun prieten mi-a sugerat sa scriu. Pe un ton imperativ. Dacă vreodată vei ajunge aici, mulțumesc L.

Ce faci când viața ta plănuită, dorită, visată, dispare? Doare, like a son of a bitch. Vrei sa urli toate rănile deschise doar cat sa nu te simți singur pe drum. Încerci să fii mai mult pentru altcineva cat sa compenseze lipsa omului pe care l-ai pierdut.

Nu e de ajuns. Nu va fi niciodată. Ramai doar tu și asta ar trebui să fie de ajuns.

Small revelations

Went from „they always leave” to „I always push them away”.

Corona 1_Leave a scar

You say „no”

The volcano inside wants to pin you

to the bed, like Christ on the cross

my disgrace, my second-hand faith

you’re taunting

we’re playing different games

think you won this round

I want a pound of flesh

you just a chambermaid to wait

and wait and screw whenever

„no, not now,

didn’t you listen? It’s a

grown-up thing”, I wouldn’t understand

still under your thumb

plotting for another day